I'm not sure exactly what it was that triggered this, I do know that is wasn't just one thing, that is was over an extended period of time and that I was searching for it.
Whatever it was and whenever it was, I am so thankful.
Our trip to Ohio was fabulous on so many levels.
We hadn't planned on taking the kids but it just ended up that we needed to and they were so great.
We almost didn't make it there, again (this would have been the four time in the last three years worth of attempts), last minute due to me being sick and Jake having to fly over the weekend we were supposed to be getting ready but Zicam is my buddy and I pack for about two weeks anyway so we were pretty much done.
It snowed 20 inches in 2 days where we stayed, Samantha had a fever for most of the trip and the list goes on!
EVERYTHING seemed to be against us....except Christ.
I experienced a bittersweet peace in my heart that I had been longing for so deeply for what seems like so long.
I have been discontented with my life.....some obvious reasons and some not so obvious.
It has always been my dream to be a mom and to have four or five kids - it's what I pictured, it's what I hoped for, it was IT for me.
However, being here, living the dream these past three years I have been so ready to trade it in and get a new dream.
So many tears, so many unknowns, so many of my gifts and talents just sitting on the table unused, so many lonely nights with Jake gone and babies screaming at me for what seemed like endless hours. I tear up now even just reliving it in my mind. Phew.
Through it all I know my redeemer was hard at work, redeeming me over and over and over again. He spoke to me and loved me and listen to me scream out to Him in frustration or confusion time and time again. THIS is not what I asked for, THIS was not my idea of what having a family meant, THIS is not right.
And that is where He has been meeting me.
THIS is right.
THIS is perfect, so much more perfect than I could ever have planned.
Not only is it right and perfect but He made it obvious to boot (I'm just slow).
I have three children born under the influence of birth control pills - how much more obvious could it get that THIS was HIS perfect plan. He did it once and I didn't listen or catch it so He did it again and this time doubled the babies hoping that maybe I'd get it then.....well, I did but I'm just about 16 months behind Him is all.
It's not your family that you are discontent with.
THAT is what was so clear and provided so much peace this past week.
It's not the girls, it's not the pregnancies, it's just not.
In my defense, it's kinda hard to clarify that when I am literally barraged with 'the comments' - you believe and make true in your life what you hear the most and sometimes that's your choice and sometimes you have to learn - the hard way - to tune it out and MAKE it your choice. I chose to only accept THE truth in my life....from here on out.
Life is hard, not just mine. Families are hard, not just mine. My situation seems extreme to a very small circle of people (in terms of the entire world!) and I can choose to live in that small circle or I can allow God to move me past that.
THAT is what this past week was all about. Seeing the effect of God's work in our lives on the FIGHTers back in Ohio was the most encouraging thing in my life thus far.
I, Holly, can still be effective in God's kingdom
I, Holly, can still love on others the way that Christ loves on me
I, Holly, can love my family, can embrace all it's quirks - small and big - and move on.
I, Holly, just have to make the choice to stop pouting and start getting excited -
Move on.
Clarify and move on.
I have been stuck in a pity party and I am done.
There is a much bigger purpose here and I am so ready.
The Mommy and Daddy
(aka Holly and Jake, but only sometimes)
Our Lydia
Our Samantha
Our Lenora
Our Sophie
8 comments:
Isn't the Lord amazing...His patience, his mercy, His grace...so much more than we deserve and yet He so freely gives. As a fellow mom I am so blessed by your words and I am so overjoyed that your heart is at peace. His beauty shines through your words.:)
Have a wonderful weekend!
jenn
wow. LOVE your heart. thanks for sharing it. enjoy the peace that He's given you TODAY!
Oh my goodness, that is EXACTLY what I need to hear today!
Although we do not have twins, we have had 5 kids in 6 years and we also receive the same kind of comments, the same kind of "I'd hate to be you" attention. It is hard, so sometimes I buy into it. I have been reading your blog for a while, from when you first had your twins, and where you are now is an inpiration to me. Thanks for opening your heart and sharing. I so appreciate it.
God is oh so beyond good...I was telling some sweet friends of mine about you and Jake, and just trying to describe how the Lord has used you two...and continues to to this day...and just how sweet and refreshing this weekend was with you two here. Your heart has always amazed me...thank you for always sharing your authentic self....You and Jake have such a powerful ministry--even 100's of miles away. As I was talking about the wedding at school I was telling them that it is just hard to explain how close you and I were/are, and just how sweet this past weekend was with you and Jake and the girls here.
This blog put such a smile on my heart, and I am so beyond excited for you!!! Thank you for being who you are...I love you dearly!
aaaaaamy
Holly,
I saw my former self in many parts of this blog. I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the way I went from feeling so overwhelmed with being a mom and a wife that I had no idea who I was to feeling confident in who I am. This confidence makes me cherish my role as a mom and wife. This confidence doesn't come from within, it completely comes from above. It is so much bigger than I am. It is huge! I don't even know how to have a pity party anymore. Everytime I try to feel sorry for myself, I am overwhelmed with a bright, sunny feeling that life is good. I don't even have to try to stay positive, it just happens. You are going to love it in this new world of yours!
God Bless You!
Tracey
Thanks for being so open with all of your feelings, the good and the bad. I have known you for such a short amount of time yet I consistently find you inspiring.
Holly,
I have half the kids you do, just 2 sweet girls born 19 months apart, but I see myself in your post. My discontent, my surprise at how difficult a transition to being a mom I had, my somewhat crazy life, my busy, busy husband, and my Father God who hears my whining and complaining and loves me extravagantly through it all. Thanks for sharing your heart.
I find myself singing this praise chorus so often... "I cast all my cares upon you. I lay all of my burdens, down at your feet. And anytime, I don't know what to do, I will cast all my cares upon you."
"I, Holly, can still be effective in God's kingdom"
You betcha! Your family is the most important ministry you can have. 80% of people who come to Christ do so before the age of 18. The battleground begins at home.
Your kids are blessed to have a mom who is aware of God's plan for her life and who is willing to submit to it. Praise God! He's doing a mighty work in your heart and in the life of your family.
Jonathan
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