what is this?

this mix of emotions is so hard.
I can't even think of a more eloquent name for it, just hard.
but that word doesn't even come close to doing justice what is in my heart right now.
I look at my kids one second and think "I love how they love each other, I love seeing them play with each other, I love them each so much, I love love love love them" and then literally a split second later I'm in tears because I think "I just can't take the screaming anymore, I'm done, I was not cut out for this stuff, I'm not doing anyone a favor by raising kids that seem to be disciplined, or more like punished, every second of every day....even as I type there is fighting....nothing I do works, they are still crying, they are still disobeying and I am still easily pushed to the point of losing all self-control."

I miss my husband, I need a break, will the sickness ever just end, will these girls ever share!!!!????

(please no advice on this one....I have had so much this week that it might just send me over the edge and I am merely writting this all down in an attempt to try and capture - as awful as they are - the feelings of times like these - I don't think I ever want to relive them but remember, I do)