last night

I don't even know where to start ;-)
and when I don't know where to start, I make a list.

1. I didn't have anyone to drive with me until a few days before the event, my friend Kristy has no kids, doesn't work right now and her husband is deployed - duh - don't know why I didn't think of her earlier but YES! she could ride with me. We'd been trying to connect anyway.

2. It's a GOOD thing I had someone with me because we took a wrong turn....in the country....in the midwest....and ended up in a corn field ;-). We figured out that we weren't in the right place thanks to the cool technology age we are in - google maps in on my phone - turned around and then my burb stopped accelerating. Just stopped.
Stopped, stopped, stopped.

3. We were and hour ahead of schedule, we were 12 miles (exactly) from the church and it was cold.
The church office set an angel to rescued us,
a very cool mechanic in the church had us towed and figured out we had a bad fuel pump while I was speaking.

4. I HAVE THE COOLEST FRIENDS EVER. I don't care what you say....mine are cooler.
While I was 'being the speaker' my friend Kristy was on the phone with road side assistance, my husband, tow companies, mechanics, arranging our way home, etc.....
Jake, thinking she was me, called her 'cutie' on the phone though and that's about all the thanks she needed (again, her husband is deployed - any male affirmation that wasn't threatening would have done ;-)

5. Jake and Kristy had someone make the 2 hr drive to come pick us up and take us home....the burb got left and we'll just get it later - when it's healed.

6. The speech? What speech??? OH! I almost forgot - kidding...I kid....but it did minimize in importance through all this silly car stuff.

I'm not sure what they would actually say but I had fun.....I felt the Holy Spirit....I wish you all could have been there to feel it too.

In case you are just dying....here was my outline.
ADD: lots of ups and downs and pauses and dramatic flare because I did ;-)

(this was a 30 min. deal so it is long....there's your only warning)

Isn’t this fun?!
It’s chocolately, it’s pretty, it’s fun! It sound great, it’s warm in here!
I do love me a good girls night out!

We’re gonna have fun tonight!

You know, I was at a girls night out a few weeks back with some dear neighbors of mine and we were having a ball!

See, these are women that our typical conversations go like this:

(talk about great deals at grocery store)….Lydia please share with Nora, Nora, stop crying, etc….

(more on the deals)….Samantha, I just told Lydia to share that!

Where was I?
Oh! Did I tell you about that great deal at the grocery store?

Deep right!?

So, we were at this girls night out HAVING A BALL and in the middle of our night out my friend looks at me, pauses in amazement and says: Wow! Holly is REALLY fun without her kids!?

So, let’s ‘be fun!’ tonight!

Leave your ‘kids’ whatever that may be to you right now in your phase of life SCHOOL, BABIES, TODDLERS, KIDS, TEENAGERS/ANIMALS, WORK/CAREERS, VOLUNTEER POSITIONS, WIFE ROLES, GIRLFRIEND ROLES, ROOM MATE ROLES, whatever it is, leave it at the door.

Clear it out.

God has asked me, very clearly, to ask you audibly to only bring you tonight.

Nor for selfish reasons, you can pick all that back upon your way out tonight,
I believe in being selfless!

But because He’s got a message that He wants you to be free to hear.

All I feel God is asking me to do tonight is to encourage, empower and love on some current sister and open the heart of some possible future sister in Christ!
Sister are fun!

I always wanted a sister.
I have a brother….he is nothing like a sister.

But God heard the desires of my heart and now, as a mother, I have all the sisterly love one person could possibly handle!

I have four darling little girls.
Four very close little girls:

Lydia rose is 4
Samantha Jo is 3
Lenora Josephine and Sophie Ruth are 2 in all it’s glory.

When the twins were born Lydia was 2 yrs and 3 months old and Samantha was 14 months old.

THAT was a wild ride. Who am I kidding, it’s wild now.

My husband Jake is an incredibly Godly and fertile man. I do love him!
He is also an Air Force pilot and has been now for almost 10 years.

Between those two slices of my life are sandwiched many struggles:

Depression, both situational and post partum, death of close friends due to war, loneliness, extreme fatigue, loss of control

I wish I had time tonight to shine the light on every struggle in my heart that God has used to strengthen me
But tonight I want to focus on one corner because it’s also a part of the Christmas story.

We’re gonna talk about FEAR tonight.
More specifically the fear of what God asks us to do as His children.


We just heard the beautiful, sometimes over done, but still good, Christmas song:
Mary did you know?

My response to this last year, after studying some Jewish customs was
DUH!?
Mary was Jewish.

See in Jewish families of that day all they did was study, eat, sleep, breath, wear, memorize the prophecies of the coming Messiah.

Mary knew.

Mary did you know that your baby boy, would save our sons and daughters? Yes, she knew.

So, when the angel comes to her that heavy heavy night in her life and says:

DO NOT BE AFRAID MARY!!!

God has found favor in you and you Mary!
You’re the ONE.
You’re the virgin foretold in Isaiah
The Holy Spirit is going to do a work in your life and you are going to give birth to the Son of God…the savior of all mankind.

It’s really no wonder that she said:

I am the Lord’s servant, do what you will.

Because yes, Mary did know and Mary felt the fear but did it anyway.


The question I’d like to ask Mary isn’t Mary did you know?
But Mary, were you afraid?

And maybe more personally the question is:

Am I afraid?
Are you afraid?

Am I hearing His message to me for my life,
Are you hearing his message to you for your life?

Are we hearing the message,
DO NOT BE AFRAID!

Are we hearing Him say:

You’re the one!
You’re the one I have created to carry out my purpose in your circle of influence.
The holy spirit is ready to do miracles in you and you will be able to do things you never thought possible!
Love the lord with all your heart soul and mind, love your neighbor as yourself, Go, make disciples
Holly, YOU”RE the one!
DO NOT BE AFRAID!

And in hearing this message, if we have even gotten that far
Are we saying:
I am the Lord’s servant, do what you will.




I want to pause here and make a few distinctions before moving on.
I won’t dwell for long but it’s extremely important to understand that there is a difference between healthy fear and unhealthy fear.

Healthy Fear:
In various parts of proverbs sounds like this:

To fear the Lord is to hate evil, the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, fear of the Lord adds length to life and is a fountain of life, through he fear of the Lord a man avoids evil.

Healthy fear is fear or REVERENCE for God and God alone.
Reverence for his power in your life and a respect for His protective commands.

Healthy fear says that I make my decisions based on what I know God says is best for my life
Based on His commands, which He has given me out of love and based on an understanding that His ways are so much higher than my ways.
So HIGH so PERFECT, so REVERENT that they cause me to stand in awe.

Healthy fear is standing in awe of God’s ways and following them out of respect for Him.

Healthy fear isn’t being scared, it’s being respectful.
UNHEALTHY FEAR
Is the exact opposite.
It’s pure unadulterated SELF CENTEREDNESS.

Unhealthy fear IS being SCARED and it often paralyzes us to inactivity or procrastination.
It’s focusing all you attention on the immediate results rather than on the eternal ones.


You can always make the distinction between the two, when making decisions involving fear:

Am I making this decision out of Reverence for God or for Selfish reasons?

Tonight, we are visiting the UNHEALTHY FEAR.

OUR SELF CENTEREDNESS. So, when I simply say ‘fear’ tonight, I am referencing UNHEALTHY FEAR.


Ok, so back to whether or not we are hearing God’s message to us and /or whether or not we are saying I am the Lord’s servant, DO WHAT YOU WILL.

I HAD PLANS FOR MY LIFE!

Plans that included things like:

International and domestic travel, missionary work in other countries, becoming a corporate big wig in a sales career
To fund the first two!
Getting married and having children WERE in there and having a large family WAS in there but not at the sacrifice of the first three!?

Position, recognition and status were very important to me.
The way I looked weighed very heavy on all my decisions.
My success in business and church matters were my entire identity.

In July of 2004 I had a very successful sales career, our college group at church that my husband and I had started was booming and I was feeling great!

Everything was lining up.

And on the 25th of that month I gave birth to our Lydia Rose.
Seven weeks later the Air force came, packed up our home and sent us to Nebraska.

Maybe a few of you are in sales and understand that it’s a regional thing?
Building a reputation and clients takes time.
My success in Ohio would help me but building back to where I was wouldn’t just happen.

So, whoosh…there went all I had worked for career wise.

I was a brand new mama, had not one close friend in town and loneliness set in like never and depression was rearing it’s ugly head.

I had never experienced depression and just figured I never would because ‘it’s not my personality!?’….a deep lie that Satan whispered to me for too long!

Feelings of loneliness and depression continued.

13 months after having Lydia I gave birth to our true middle child.
Samantha.

I was so mad.
I couldn’t even say the word pregnant.
I had to write it down on a piece of paper and slide it across the table just so my husband would know.

THIS was not in my plan.
I needed to build my career back up before we added to our family.
Get a missions trip or two under my belt, travel…and THEN add.

THAT was the plan.

Now what!?

With the birth of Samantha came some very deep very dark post partum depression.

I had two babies, one was colic, I was depressed and my husband was sent away on a 100 day deployment on the other side of the world.

Still lonely because deep friendships take much longer than one year and that is only as long as we had been in Nebraska.

I had a huge melt down on my way to bible study one morning, of all places,
Got home, but the two screaming babies in their crib, and if you’ve ever been close to or had post partum depression, you know how dangerous that can be…

It took everything in me but I picked up the phone to call my church

We hadn’t been there long, they didn’t know me well
But whatever I said to our children’s director she made a 17 min drive in 12 min and was on my door step to help in anyway possible.

I grabbed my cell phone in one hand and the yellow pages in the other.
I headed to the nearest coffee shop and just started calling down the list of counselors my church recommended looking for someone on my insurance.

The 3rd or 4th call was on my insurance and just HAPPEN to have a cancellation 30 min’s from now.

Can you make it here in 30 min?

I didn’t know it then but I now know this was one of the most sought after counselors in town. She rarely has cancellations and almost always has 3-4 weeks worth of waiting lists.

HOLLY? Can you make it here in 30 min!?

So, there I was, pouring it all out to a complete stranger. And when I
finished she looked at me with tears in her own eyes and said:
Holly, I don’t just think but I know our meeting today was a divine appointment.
My children are grown now but they too are 13 months apart and I too have struggled with many of the same exact things you have just told me.

And so there because of God’s divine appointments began my path to healing and there too began my understand of the the truth that His ways are Higher than my ways.

I was doing pretty good, continued my counseling, Jake came home, Samantha was growing out of her colic –

I was healing…not healed but better

And then it happened again.

Pregnant, Again.

Just so you aren’t mislead and think I might need a health lesson after tonight’s program I WAS on birth control for both my second and third pregnancies –

This third pregnancy news wasn’t as maddening.

I had been on that path of healing, had squared back up with God
Revised and resubmitted my life plan.

What’s ONE more baby right?!

At 18 weeks I begged my doctor for an early ultra sound to determine the sex of THE baby.
Jake was deploying and wouldn’t be home until a few weeks before the due date.

I was measuring a little big but not much and was just sure that it was because it was a boy.

The ultra sound tech was acting really funny, moving the wand really fast, not saying anything and I was just a little annoyed.
A few seconds later she pulled the wand off and in a sing song voice said:
Ok! Are you ready!?
and something about the way she said that – I knew
before it even came out of her mouth – I knew
and then there it was on the screen

I could finally make something out.
Two perfect circles, two heads, two babies.

Not ONE more TWO more.

People often ask me what my reaction was that day and all I can verbalize is it was every emotion imaginable all at once
A wave of everything!

Including and most predominantly fear!

I wasn’t hearing God’s message that day:

DO NOT BE AFRAID!
Holly, the Holy Spirit will equip you, YOU’RE THE ONE.

Hearing THAT has been a journey.
Hearing that has been choice after choice after choice

To feel the fear of what He was asking me to do and doing it anyway.

God had a work to do in my life and He was going to get it done whether it was in my revised plans, or not.

Just as in Mary’s life, the Messiah would have come with or without Mary!

The journey of where I have been over these past few years and am still on to be honest with you, has not been easy

It’s been down right scary.

God has used this all to show me that I do actually, in fact, struggle with fear.

Up until about a year and a half ago I had myself convinced that I did not struggle with Fear!
I even had my friends convinced…upon preparing this talk one of my very long time friends kinda laughed and said “when have YOU ever been afraid of anything!?”

I was just different and if you’d looked deeper into my heart I’d have even said I thought I was better – there was no Fear here! an ugly part of my heart for sure

I had the opportunity to go visit my husband on one of his deployments to the Island of Crete, off the coast of Greece. It was a miserable place for him to be deployed and so I thought he needed some cheering up!
It was a logistical nightmare to arrange childcare but it was
A once in a lifetime opportunity.

I had brought a devotional that I was thoroughly enjoying, written by a woman here in the US who had probably never been to Greece and I brought a fresh journal.

Everywhere you look on the island people are carrying these –
I thought they were nice lookin’ rosaries
EVERYONE had them, young, old, men, women, rich, poor
And everyone played with them, fidgeted with them

I thought nothing of them other than, oh how neat, until I opened up my devotional one morning and this was the first thing I read:

(excerpt from Having a Mary heart in a Martha world – Joanna Weaver)
Far out in the Aegean Sea…lies a Greek island…one of the first things you notice when you step on this island is the strings of beads worn by many people. Rich and poor. Tall and short. Both the young and the old….The islanders finger and manipulate the beads around their neck all day long. They say the beads bring comfort, that the process of handling them cuts down on anxiety. They call them komboloi – “worry beads”
A quaint custom, we may say. Yet we have worry rituals ourselves. While we may not wear anxiety around our necks, it certainly affects our lives. We bite our fingernails. We pace the floor. We lie awake at night. And all because of worry. Hour after hour, our mental fingers twist around problems, turning them this way and then that, like a Rubik’s cube. We manipulate and postulate, desperate to solve the puzzle. And yet we seem to find few answers.

And THIS was the first line in my fresh journal:
Are you trying to tell me something?

I quickly ran out to buy my self some worry beads not to relive anxiety but to remind myself that Fear was something God was wanting to rid my heart of,
That it wasn’t adding anything to my life and that I wasn’t different or better in this area.

I was actually sunken chest deep in self-pity BUT the moment I recognized THAT
Things started to change in my heart

I had been feeling what I would have called ‘sorry for myself’ but was in all actuality experiencing unhealthy fear.

This isn’t what I had planned for my life and therefore was an unknown and fear of unknowns, if unchecked, can paralyze.

My world had shrunk.
Down to diapers, feedings and an occasional shower and I was afraid.

Afraid that I was useless, afraid that I’d get pregnant again, Afraid that other people would think less of me for just being a mom, afraid that my children would suffer from lack of love and attention.

I was afraid and I was focused.
Fixed on how hard all of this was.
NO ONE, or very few people, had it harder than me, or so I had myself convinced.

I had some serious getting out of the way to do.

Remember I said that unhealthy fear is equated to self-centeredness?

I got so sick of the fear, the pity parties and self-centeredness that I began to pray.

I didn’t even know what to pray for.

Things just came out: Forgiveness Lord, Peace Lord, Strength Lord….please

And God began to open my eyes.

One of my main fears was that I would be rendered useless.

I didn’t have time to influence people in business or prepare lessons for church or run ministries and those were the ways I knew how to be used.

But when God closes a door he opens a window, right!?

With my babies being as close as they were and as many of them as there were and with Jake’s deployment schedule of being gone over 200 days a year I had to have almost full time help in my home.

Help, that frankly, I did not want.
I needed my space, I liked to do things “my” way.

But the need was too great.

There were four ladies total over a period of 18 months that were consistent help.
We spent many many hours together.
and the window that God was opening were the lives, struggles and hearts of these women.
God was bringing the places of need, to me.
they needed encouragement, prayer and someone to just pour it all out on.
They needed to mourn, they needed to rejoice and that was something I had time for.

And He didn’t just open one window, He opened many.
New areas – areas I didn’t think I’d be any good at and if I hadn’t been desperate to be used in any way possible I’d have never tried.

I stared to hear the message:

HOLLY! DO NOT BE AFRAID.
I have a purpose for your life
It might be scary sometimes, you might have to make a few mistakes, but you are not useless – far from it.
you are the one to take my message into the broken marriage of the heart that is folding your laundry.
I have you stuck on this couch feeding babies for HER.
and the lost soul that comes to check on you every afternoon – she has never really seen me and you are the one to really show her who I am for the first time.
It may not have been in your plan but it’s only because I thought of a better, more exciting, more fulfilling plan.
DO NOT BE AFRAID.
I have found favor in you
I will equip you
YOU ARE THE ONE

I have chosen to do my best at living a life that feels fear but also hears the message:
DO NOT BE AFRAID
you are the one.

and it’s meager attempt but God can take even the meagerst of attempts and stretch them to fill his purposes

So, can I share some things with you in closing, that God has been doing with my life as a result of my meager attempts to ‘get out of the way’?

Before I do I need you to hear and understand my heart that I do not share these things lightly and I do not share them for my own glory
but because if I can be used in these ways then so can you.
Sometimes I think we need these HUGE grand stories to be used by God.
We had a woman come to our church a few months back who had been eaten by a lion and sorry…I’ve not been eaten by a lion.
but neither have you! all you need, to have amazing things happening is a willingness to hear the message and do it!

These stories are all for God’s glory and because of the work of the Holy Spirit.

1. Over the summer I felt God’s call on my life to start and facilitate a seekers type of group where my spiritually confused and unchurched friends could come, know they’d find answers, be free to discuss and know they were loved just the same.
The names of 6 ladies were very clear to me. I was afraid to ask them to be a part of this, I was afraid to answer their questions, I was afraid of loosing their friendships but I went ahead with power, love and self-discipline hearing the message: DO NOT BE AFRAID – YOU ARE THE ONE.
ALL six of those ladies committed to coming with no hesitation, all six are still my friends, and there are women on the verge of completely and with great understanding and commitment, give their lives wholly to Christ.
They are RIGHT there.I mean, the point to where these ladies have come in just four short months is miraculous!

2. another one:
(omitted on the blog for annonomys reasons - if you REALLY need it, e-mail me)

3. last one and then I’ll close:
somewhere in the middle of my healing process I connected with a 16 yr old teenage girl. just our meeting was miraculous – I wish I had time to tell you about it!
This young lady had attempted suicide three times and was struggling with addictions to very self-mutilating practices by the time I met her.
I’m not sure how, outside of God’s provision, but our paths just kept crossing and I never knew what to say
I was in the dark most of the time with her, she truly was in a world I knew little of.
God would affirm, during my prayer times over her that He would be a light unto my feet and a lamp unto my path and so I just clung to that.
I have been on a wild ride with this young lady, now 18 and FINALLY in Christ-centered treatment facility getting the much prayed for help she’s needed.
While preparing this talk, I get this letter from her


I can’t even believe this:
I just knew I had to share it with you –

(excerpts from letter from Sher)
Holly, I thought of you today because my counselor told me to “be afraid, but keep going” It reminded me of all the times you told me to “feel the fear but do it anyway”. I’d like to say I’m starting to do more of that but even though I’m in the safest place EVER I find myself hiding in fear. It takes time. I’m starting to understand the process of healing. God doesn’t take your problems, wave a magic wand and all of the sudden you’re perfect……some days are really tough. But I’m confident the pain of change can’t be worse than the pain of staying the same. It gets really discouraging sometimes so please pray that I stay focused on God and on the end result of being here.

now if that’s not the Holy Spirit I don’t know what is!
a teenager actually heard something an adult said! AMEN?

Ok, let’s wrap this up:

I want to challenge and empower you tonight to:

FEEL THE FEAR IN YOUR LIVES
BUT DO IT ANYWAY

ALWAYS MAKING SURE IT WOULD BE AN ACTION GLORIFYING TO CHRIST.

DO NOT BE AFRAID
YOU ARE THE ONE

you are the one to carry out His message of love, mercy, grace, forgiveness to those in your circle of influences.

whether those circles were in your plan or not.

The HOLY SPIRIT STANDS READY TO DO MIRICALES IN YOUR LIFE.
HE STANDS READY TO EQUIP YOU
HE HAS A PLAN FOR YOUR LIFE
PLANS TO PROSPER YOU, NOT TO HARM YOU, PLANS TO GIVE YOU A HOPE AND A FUTURE BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS.

DO NOT BE AFRAID,
YOU ARE THE ONE.

amen.