I've been a Christian for most of my life.
I've had many ups, many downs, many coasts - but this is new.
I don't even know what to call this.
God is using me in very obvious ways.
Motherhood, sharing Him with neighbors, serving the community around me in small ways here and there, serving in my church, being a wife, etc...
There have been times in my walk where I can't even list ONE place that God is obviously using me - I, of course, can look back and see that He was, I just didn't know it.
That's not now.
Now, I at least know some of the ways and I do like that.....but....
What's new, if I had to call it something, would be the spiritual battle that rises inside of me with all these great ways I'm getting to be used.
Guilt. Frustration. I don't know?
I read the hearts and listen to the hearts of my friends and fellow bloggers who are doing HUGE things for God's people, everywhere and
sometimes I am moved, sometimes I am mad, sometimes I am jealous, sometimes I just close up for lack of a better idea.
Orphans, slaves, the abused, the neglected, the hungry, my neighbors, the homeless, foreign domestic - it's all like this huge cloud over my head. It all groups together and I can't see, hear, think or move.
I paralyze.
Who do I help, which direction do I go, how, when, where, how much......I'm confused?
Do I focus in one area, one country, one problem, one cause or do I just attempt to do it all?
So, say I do focus on one area - then what do I do with the fact that it feels like I'm turning my back on all the other issues?
"Sorry, I can't help you with that social need because I just gave my time, money and creativity to this other cause - yeah, I know they are hungry/thirsty/needing love/needing a home/etc, but I only care about my 'issue'"
There has been this huge push in the Christian community to get back to the church in Acts and I am so with IT - I love it. It was the original model and that just makes sense.
But where exactly do I start?
I have things rolling around in my head like:
Adopting is just what all Christians are commanded to do
Caring for widows is a non-negotiable
It's my responsibility to feed the hungry, because I'm not hungry (really really hungry)
People in Africa don't have water because of me
The local homeless shelter is in need of volunteers because I'm not there
There are kids in foster care because I'm not adopting them
Teach/Speak because that's your gift...don't even get me started on the weight of thoughts that go with this one
Live extremely frugal because anything else is just stealing from someone who doesn't have ____
Guilt. Shame.
And so I don't move.
This is an embarrassing sore spot on my heart. I really feel like this isn't something I should be struggling with - the answer seems like it'd be so simple and yet every time I grab for it, it's not there.
It's certainly heavy on my heart this week.
I can't even imagine that I'm alone on this - I'm sure I'm not - and somehow that doesn't make it ok for me - it actually makes me more angry.
WHY ARE WE SO PARALYZED!!!???
Maybe if we weren't so paralyzed this wouldn't even be an issue!?
Prayer.....
The Mommy and Daddy
(aka Holly and Jake, but only sometimes)
Our Lydia
Our Samantha
Our Lenora
Our Sophie
7 comments:
Dear heavenly Father - Give Holly the peace that she needs regarding her big heart for Your people. Help her to remember they are your people and your will take care of them. We know that you are bigger than all of this and are in control. Help her to sort through these things - to lay them at your feet and trust that you will care of your people. Make it clear to her where You want her to serve. Calm her anxious heart, her paralyzed heart, so she can listen intently and act swiftly. Thank you for your passion - she is such an inspiration to us. Guide her with peace.
Holly sweetie you're feeling what all of us feel. We can't be everything to everybody. God didn't design us that way. He in his infinite wisdom called some of us to be hands and others to be feet, part of the same body but with different jobs. I could be very jealous of what He is called you to do but I realize that my calling is in a totally different area. You are called to evangelism (and you do a GREAT job) and I'm called to mercy and service. His church would be in a sad shape if we all decided to take off on our own and do something He did not call us or equip us for. Take courage my dear sweet Holly. YOU ARE being used greatly for His kingdom and are such a great example for others.
Mamaw
AMEN!!! to the sweet prayer someone left already.
I struggle with similar thoughts. This last Sunday the pastor said "if you do the wrong thing, you still can't interupt God's soverign plan". That's pretty encouraging- if God wants to use you, he will. You don't have to worry about it.
Also my Sunday School teacher (gosh I sound churchy!) said that she constantly prays to God "show me what has my name on it". I've been praying that a lot lately too. Because is just aware as you are of the enormity of needs in the world, but he only has YOUR name on a few of them.
That is why we have his Spirit. You know, everyone has a calling. And to that person, their calling is the best calling in the world, naturally. Most of us, then, are quite strong when we express our calling, sometimes not leaving room for the voice of God in the lives of others.
When Jesus walked into the pool, there where many sick people there. He only healed one. Why? That was what his father told him.
Same with us. We confess to him and listen to what he says. He speaks. We obey. (Sometimes).
There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, for the law of the Spirit of Life in Christ Jesus has set us free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1
It could be argued that the guilt and shame you are feeling aren't even from him.
feeling your pain.
thank you for sharing your heart...
oh my goodness! i cannot believe the timing of your post! my best friend and i had this heart-to-heart JUST yesterday! i mean, we talked and talked and talked about the exact same feelings you mentioned. i am so thankful for your post and the responses that followed. it helps me sort out this paralyzation that i also feel! have you heard of patricia shirer? i recently completed her "discerning god's voice" study and it helped me realize that if i spend time in god's word, pray, and then quiet my soul - literally, as in sit and listen - god WILL speak to me. it is a gift - the holy spirit - that we are given when we give our life to the lord...BUT we have to be willing to LISTEN! thank you so much for this post. i am so thankful to my friend for happening upon it! god bless you.
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