Saturday, March 28, 2009

what is our problem???

I read too much.
I read about families with lots of kids, maybe not as close as ours, but still, they have many.
I read that they bake together, read the Bible together, take nature walks together, have organized times of chores and community service and that's just on Monday.

What's our problem?

Attempting to make some Resurrection Eggs this morning:
There was a two year old being a holy terror and it ruined the whole experience

Moved on to cookies:
Two two year olds and one three year old bursting out into tears every 3 min (taking turns, of course, so it's constant) for ridiculous, really not important reasons, ruining that whole experience.
And a four year old that thinks if mommy says to do something a 'little bit' then 'a lot' must be better?

Is there something wrong with me?
Maybe I don't read too much, maybe I have no patience for this stuff, maybe my expectation are out of reach.

This stuff: cookies, crafts, walks, Bible reading
all rank very high on my list of priorities for them to experience while they are young and yet just listing them out like that gives me chills.

and it's not that they can't do it or I'm expecting perfection - a mess I can handle - whining, crying that it's not their turn, screaming for attention because I have it placed on a sister, bickering....THAT I can't handle.

And then, because they are doing those things, I think that maybe it's all my fault because I have moments when I whine, cry and bicker.
And I just want them to be better than that but can't seem to figure out how to get them there.

So, the Resurrection Egg project is 1/2 done (I'll just finish myself later and then every year we break it out I'll get angry at myself all over again for losing my patience while making them, have a good cry and beg for forgiveness)

The cookies are baking but three children have been spanked and are screaming in their rooms.
I will not be eating even one of these.

Yeah, score another one for me this week.

My children deserve so much better.
And I will keep trying, keep praying, keep asking for forgiveness, keep tweaking the 'system' until we one day DO make a happy memory, until we can one day take a walk without a melt down, one day make cookies with a mess but no tears, one day do crafts with no spankings, etc....

And to all of those families that blog/write about all their 'cool' stuff - are you for real?
or are you really that perfect of a family?
I ask not for an answer (pretty sure they don't read my blog ;-) but....well, I don't know why I'm even asking.
We are not that family, geez....I wish I was 'that' mom, but I'm not...


(a note: please do not freak out and 'advice' me until kingdom come unless you are a family member or you know I consider you one - pretty sure that would just lay on the guilt and I know 'it gets better', I've been told this for two years now.....still waiting and not very patiently, I must admit.
this is just me processing and Jake had to work today so it goes here instead of into his ears!  I'm sure he thanks you.)

15 comments:

The Dyson's as told by Kara said...

I feel the same way and I only have two kids! And, believe me, they have beautiful memories already, trust me! That's all I am going to say about that!

Kiki@Seagulls in the Parking Lot said...

I have the same problems! And my kids aren't as close in age as yours.

And you are still making memories and they are still good.

No advice, just that you are the perfect mom for these girls. You are doing a great job!

And, the things they write on their blogs are a glimpse. A glimpse of what they want you to see, remember that.

EM said...

me too! I love reading blogs, but unfortunately I sometimes come away defeated rather than inspired. You should know that your blog usually inspires me. I come away thinking, "she struggles, yet she presses on. If she can do it, I can do it". So press on, there is absolutely no problem with you or your sweet little hell raisers! ;) (sorry, I know I'm not family, but I just couldn't stop myself)

mcmcolospgs said...

Well, I too keep waiting for the day when it "gets better" because well, it isn't and it hasn't. I agree with EM that your blog really does inspire others (especially me). Just know that you are not alone in this journey. But when you do find "THE ANSWER," please be kind enough to blog about it, ok? We'll be listening with open hearts! : )

Brandi said...

Holly,
You are a wonderful, beautiful mother. We all have those days. I have been having one of those weeks with Austin. It started on my birthday. Happy Birthday to me. He is grounded, and actually had to get spanked today from Daddy since two years ago he declared my spankings don't hurt....so we now have Daddy as the designated spanker. Anyway...You are not alone!!! And no, those other bloggers are not for real!! hee hee, doesn't that make you feel better. I look forward to seeing you tonight. We are hoping to get there early and get our pictures taken so we don't have to continue to wait inline and then have the senator or congress man cut infront of us with his party of 12!!!!
-Brandi Vidal

melanie said...

zoe is in an "i can't stand my sister" mode--so life is a lot easier when she isn't home. i actually kind of dread the days she will be home because life is that much harder.

i'm considering reading much, much less to fight the feelings of inadequacy i am left with when i get off the computer...

kristen said...

Holly,

You are a wonderful, beautiful, real mother. You have made many joyful memories with the girls. Do not feed into the guilt. I have been really struggling lately, as I have been working on Ethan's scrapbook (he's 6!!), that there are no photos of us on the day he was born. The guilt is overwhelming...why couldn't I love him immediately? I know there are sensible reasons...and I remember my shock when I saw that my baby had Down syndrome. My point is that we are not perfect, and I agree with you that most blogs paint a too perfect picture, which puts even more pressure on those of us who are killing ourselves already!! I look at your blog and fight guilt and jealousy that I am a working mom. Think of all I could have done to help Ethan more...etc, etc. Do not feed into the guilt and the lies. You are raising four young children, and that takes consistency, which is hard. I teach 3rd grade and have 3kids, one of which has DS and diabetes and does many of the things a typical 2/3 year old would do. One night, the stress caused me to go into the kitchen pantry and scream at the top of my lungs! For weeks after, if I got a certain look on my face, Greyson (so sweet) would look worried and say, "Mommy, are you going into the pantry again?"

Look, I love you and I admire you. I think we all need recognition and encouragement from time to time, especially from other moms who have a lot on their plate.

Give my cousin a hug for me and hurry up and move to Texas. Then I could tell you all of this in person!!

Kristen
Uh, you do consider me a family member, right???? LOL

the Knights said...

Oh Holly! You made me smile - not because you're struggling, but because to me you're the "that mom" blog I read ;) You are so real and honest. Those four girls have been blessed to have YOU as their mother and even if they don't come to realize it until they are married and have their own kids, they will. Keep on keepin' on.
(Oh, and I think you deserve to eat ALL of the cookies - yourself.)

Shawna said...

Holly, I know I'm not at that stage right now but I really do appreciate what you have said. And...it's your blog...you can vent if you want to. I'm sure I'll do the same thing.

Anonymous said...

I love you just the way you are. You don't have to be perfect and there's nothing you can do to change that and I know your children feel the same now and will value you for the just being you for the rest of their lives. Who says that memories have to be "storybook"? You are REAL so the memories you make with your family will be realistic.

Mamaw

KB said...

Hey, at least you try....I cringe at the thought of playdoh...=)

Hang in there it will get better...HA, couldn't resist giving you that line =) I was in the commissary the other day with all 3 kids and this lady comes around the corner and says "oh my you have your hands full", I got so angry...then I thought of you and how you always get that stupid comment....I'm sorry you have to hear that...have you come up with any witty smarty pants comment yet? I'd love to have one ready for the next unsuspecting person =)

Love ya!!
Kristy

Courtney said...

i love coming to your blog. it's so real. and i like real.

and, yes, you're normal. just keep trying. they are getting little bits of what you want them to get amidst all the crying/spankings/etc...seriously, they are.

Naomi said...

I recently wrote a blog about how much Roxanne had improved in the last year and how much joy she has been to me lately. Then two days later we had a gigantic blow out at Old Navy that involved lots of screaming, crying from both of us, dragging a child a whole block, and lots of blood. I won't write any positive blogs about my children any more.

Marc, Jaimee, Ben and Liam said...

Dude, no one is as honest as you... you rock as a mom, and you rock as a sister in Christ giving me weekly encouragement in how you turn it all back to Him... your accomplishments and your failures... I am so thankful for your ministry. Love you!

Sara said...

Holly- I love you, I am amazed by you, and I'm pretty sure you will have a bedazzled crown in heaven for all you've gone through :) Hang in there!