just 'cause.

this picture popped up on my screen saver the other day:

and it reminded me of another picture of that same little girl:

I didn't realize how hard it would be to go through the picture files and search for that first picture.

Not hard as in 'not organized' but hard as in I was crying by the time I found it.

Samantha's pregnancy, birth and first year were some of the darkest times in my life.

And truly it had nothing to do with her but unfortunately, she bore the brunt of so much of my darkness.

I can't express how bad I want to go back and do it all over again with this little girl.

I do. I want to go back with her so bad. To kiss her more, to savor the dark hours of the morning with her, even if she had been crying for weeks on end with little time of rest in between....I want it back, I want a second chance.

I want to feel the emotions of bonding with her early on, not just go through the motions.

I know I won't get that.

The coolest part, and it's the part I have to live in and dwell on, is that my God is a God of the purest form of redemption.

Perfect and total redemption...the second chance my heart and Samantha's mommy needed.

That little girl and I have THE COOLEST relationship.

I used to cry out loud and beg for God to wipe the slate clean and He answered full force.

Not over-night and not without healing and work in my own heart....but where I am with her today is definitely something I couldn't have done on my own after those dark times so I know where it came from.

She loves me, she adores me, she hangs out with me the most of any of them....

She gets me.

I love her, I adore her and our hang out times are some of my most precious treasures.

I get her.

Funny. She still 'gets me going' faster than any of the other girls...she can send me from calm to hot angry in a split second but just as fast as she gets me going, she can diffuse me faster than anyone else too. Crazy kid.

I love her.

And I do wish I could go back, I hate that it is the way it is.

But I LOVE what is now....and I have my Jesus, my Savior, my Redeemer, THE Creator to thank for that.

I really do.

and, this was supposed to be a silly post about how she still has crazy eyes and how much I love that,

didn't exactly go that way did it!?

oops.