the new girl

1/2 of me LOVES being the new girl.

like, today we went to a 'Next Steps' class at the church we've been visiting and they passed around the microphone for us all to introduce ourselves.

and I do love me a microphone.

(I know, I know, there is something wrong with me)

I don't know what happens to me but I love it and I think other people do to because usually they're laughing....and I love to make people laugh.

And when I'm new, ALL my jokes are fresh and new, which makes them extra funny.

(shoot, I just thought about the fact that they are probably laughing out of disbelief and can't wait to get rid of me?)

anyway.

when I'm the new girl AND I have the mic, or the attention, or it's my turn to talk to the crowd...I like it.

(Kara, Liz, Melissa....are you remembering when THAT girl sat on the ottoman with me who was my exact personality and I joked, but not really, that she STOLE my stage that night...still burns me up ;-)

but there's that pesky other 1/2 of me.

the 1/2 of me that struggles a little with meeting and talking to people one-on-one.

the pressure is ON.

not only on my side...on theirs too.

There are very few really great conversationalists out there.

I'm trying to get better but it really is a dance and it takes two so a lot of my trying depends upon the other persons participation and then when I struggle in the first place....ugh...it always feels like a social experiment gone wrong...VERY WRONG.

Like, I'm looking for the candid cameras type of wrong.

I think my problem is I'm really good at making the crowd laugh, feel welcomed, loved, wanted, interested in but in individual conversations I just like to talk and hear about really deep stuff.

None of this surfacy awkward, obligatory stuff.

But, when you're the new girl you gotta.

You have to get it all out of the way.

And that's exactly how I feel, obligated to get all the surface stuff over with.

Oh and I super heart it when I'm the only one asking any questions because it leaves me with the impression you don't give a crap about me even though I just asked every question in the book about you because I do give a crap about you but really what's happening is that you are probably an amazing person and do care but are just like me and hate all that surfacy awkward obligatory stuff and it's freezing your brain so much that we can't even move on and now all we've accomplished is that you're really good at answering questions about yourself and I'm really good at offering up information about myself that I don't even know if you want to hear about 'cause you didn't ask!!! Not your fault....I hate it too. And oh how many times I have been YOU in the exact same kinds of conversations!

I am desperate for 'that' group of friends here.

I know that it takes time and I can't even think about it because it makes me miss my other 'that' groups of friends to the point of pain.

I am desperate for our home...our church home. The home we can be ourselves at and people us anyway. The home where I can introduce who Jesus is to me to my friends who don't know yet.

I am aching for it.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say here other than starting over always hurts.

To different places in different people's hearts, in different ways and in different manifestations, but it hurts.

Oh.

And it stinks not being known.

Like, because I care about deep type of things and I've been to A LOT of churches and had ample opportunity to have my heart scared...sometimes the questions I ask as 'the new girl' seem judgemental or odd....but only because you don't know me yet.

There is nothing that makes you feel more naked in a crowd or with an individual you don't know yet.

Sometimes my questions are partially revealing the pain from my scars and I'm NOT good at that in a new environment.

Making you laugh as the new girl, yes, sharing my pain and scars as the new girl, not so much.

As I type I learn more stuff about me!

Like, maybe because I don't like to share my scars but I like to talk about deep stuff, I struggle talking to you at all.

ugh.

Some of you are scratching your heads trying to figure out WHO is writing this...because you've seen me in action with new people.

Let me clarify.

There is a difference when I'm new and when you're new.

HUGE difference.

When I have a home, a place, an identity somewhere and YOU'RE new...YOU'RE mine! Mostly because I am trying to make what happens to me NOT happen to you.

I know God gives spiritual gifts and blesses people with talents but I think there are other things in life you learn through circumstance and it becomes a gift.

Being new, making others feel welcome and instantly wanted and loved, that would be one of my learned/taught gifts. I am passionate about it to a fault sometimes.

But when I'm new...I'm a blubbering mess.

Unless I have the microphone, of course.

Shoot.

Maybe next week I'll bring a microphone with me to church.

Yeah, that'll keep me from being labeled at 'that girl'!