thoughts

Thoughts.
I've been short on them lately.
Not in my head.  There are plenty there.  Too many, really.
Not out of my mouth.  I've often wondered if there was medication for diarrhea of the mouth because I have it all the time.

But, short on here.  Short in my journal. Short in the semi-permanent places.

I feel like I've been short since we moved.
It's been 1 year and 4 months.

There are places in my heart that still feel like it was yesterday and other places that feels like it was ages ago.  I'd say more places that feel like it was yesterday though.

We have friends here and we love them all.
God has placed some really amazing people all around us.
Encouraging, Godly, fun, precious people.

We have a church.
It's a good one.  There is nothing wrong with it but we haven't gotten really involved yet.
I'm not sure why other than we've struggled in the past few years with whether we 'do' church correctly.  If there is even a 'correct' way to do it.  'We' meaning Christians as a whole.
So many programs, so many sign up sheets, so many lists, so many announcements, so many donation drives (where we just send the stuff off never to see or touch the actual people in need), so much show, so much.....it's just so much....the simplicity of Christ is just gone in all the lists, ministries and announcements.
I think we'd love a smaller community of believers to be a part of but the several we tried over the years (and I think this is typical) were so needy, and not in the healthy ways.
And don't get me started on pre-fab small groups or cooking cutter women's Bible studies....just don't.
(especially if you love yours ;-)

I had a group of girls meeting at night once a week and it was going ok but Jake's schedule is so hard here (actually, all the families of the ladies coming had hard hard scheduling situations) that it was impossible to keep going.

It's all a kick-back of the mentality of 'DC'....long days, long commutes, work very hard and long, play hard...no need for sleep.  It's adrenaline on steroids.

And I have these nagging thoughts:
"If I get really involved in church, when exactly will I interact with the unbeliever?"
"If I get involved with 'ministry' in church, when will I have time to minister to those who don't have a church?"
"But, the church is my family and they need to be ministered to too!?"
"God loves the church, so should I."
"Does the church have priority or does ministering to the world have priority?"
and they go on and on, back and forth, and I know all the church answers but the answers don't settle the battle in my heart.

All that to say, we have a church but you won't see my name in the bulletin, the pastor has no idea who we are, we went to one membership class (that was horrid) and that's all.  And I have no clue whether that is right, wrong or neither here nor there.
(And the only part of me that even cares is my pride.)

The girls and I are doing the homeschool co-op this year and through VBS we've met several people so we aren't total wallflowers. (HA! that's funny if you've met me in person, right!?)

'Outside' of church though...that's where it's rockin' in my life right now:

I have been keeping up with in depth personal Bible study, with a friend, via Skype.
(Seriously, why do we teach the story of Samson to pre-schoolers!? That dude was horrible!)

My neighbor now knows the Lord as her own God as a result of our friendship.
(I could just end right there)

CASA DC has made major advances in the fight against human trafficking amongst their foster kids as a result of my friendship there.  I want to be used so bad in this area and the ways that God is making that happen are astounding...and simple...and so like Him.
(again, I could end there)

And I'm walking with other friends through life on a day to day, natural, basis.  Encouraging them, watching their kids, housing them for two weeks ;-), making countless meals, praying over them in a battle cry kinda way, fighting for them on my knees, letting them minister to me.

And to me, the above list is 'church'.
It's natural.  It's embarrassingly (only to my pride) simple.

It has to do with the people God has already put in your life, path, journey.

It's not people that someone else organized for you to know because you signed up on a list.
I know lists can be good.
I am reading through Judges right now and I'm 100% convinced the moral of the entire book is: Because Israel was disorganized, stood apart from each other and everyone did what was right to themselves, they rotted and fell apart all by themselves. Organization is good.  Very good.

I'm just at the point where I think most of us (not all of us!) have the people already around us to 'do life together' to be in 'groups' together or (and I know this) we can pray for those people to come around us and when they do, we can do our own organizing. (and by organizing I just mean ministering intentionally, being teachable/humble/available)

I know. There are holes and black abysses in my thinking there.  I recognize them and will never fall on my sword over this.

But, it's been a year.
I'm not a leader of any ministry.....huh...I think that's the first time since I was 14 that I could say that.
And yet, I feel like more of a 'leader' than I ever have in my life.
I feel simplified, effective.

I feel like a fish out of water, mind you.
It's a different feeling and I've mentioned her before but my pride is really taking a hit here...she's not doing so hot, she doesn't like this simplification.
She likes her name in the bulletin and the mic in her hand...she's handy with a mic.

But her counterpart has waited too long.
It's her turn.
The quiet, simple, teachable part of me.
It's her turn.

It's different.
I'm not so sure about all the feelings that go with it yet, but the results are in, that is for sure, and they can't be argued with.


wow...
I was going to do a post about all my thoughts but that was just my church stuff.
I didn't touch my hip,
running,
sugar,
decorating/creativity,
cooking,
kids,
homeschooling,
coffee,
tea,
photography,
human-trafficking
.....and I'm pretty sure there's more.

phew, again, medication?