Wednesday, September 26, 2012

thoughts from the bathroom stall in Target today

Why is it when our kids are babies we feel so isolated?
I was LONELY.
(I'm sure this was partly due to the fact that I had post-partum and moved with a four week old baby and my husband had to deploy 7 weeks after Samantha was born..and she was collicy...but I digress)
All I could think about was 'getting out' and I was frustrated when I couldn't because of nap time or sickness or a baby that never stopped crying or _______.
I wanted to see people.
Talk to people.
Who used real words.
I was consumed with my feelings of isolation.
I felt trapped and lonely.

Me and Lydia at a fall event, Samantha was home with a babysitter.
We went to someone's house we barely knew, Jake was deployed and I was desperate to be around adults......
(thank you Conants...you have no idea what that night meant to me....you were just being you and look at the impact it had!)
This is a hard picture for me to look at.
Not the most peaceful time in my heart.
MAN I WISH I COULD GO BACK and try again!


But now?
(now I'm healed and bonded with all my babies and peaceful and in love with my mommyhood....could have a lot to do with the next thoughts, but I digress)
My kids are getting older and I DREAM about being isolated.
I crave it.
I long for it.

If you told me I was going to spend a week in the woods by myself I might jump up and down and get all excited (I'd check and make sure all my girls were going to be loved and safe while I was gone and make sure I could come back after the week, but I'm just making the point that 'isolation' all the sudden has a different meaning to me!)

Why was I thinking about this?

I was using the bathroom at Target, the girls were all done, standing up against the wall (still our rule!) waiting for me, everyone was being relatively quiet and I thought to myself, "I think I'll just stay in here, isolated, for a few minutes. I could use some isolation right about now".

Oh how times have changed......

(Lenora...yes, that is a tattoo on her neck, whatev')

5 comments:

KB said...

You are so beautiful! Wish wish wish we were closer, we could be isolated together. =)

i'm beccy. said...

I so get this. Thanks for letting me into your world when I so needed real words. I am so grateful! I think now we have been through it we could do it better in another go round. I love being around seasoned parents who do it well consistently, and pray I will be that someday soon. I am so thankful for my boys who have survived the seasons of desperation. So thankful to live in grace and forgiveness!!! I am glad you loved the beach as much as I did last spring. I hope to bring my family back with me sometime!!!

Amy said...

Love this picture of you! And the isolation thing? Oh my word. I think I would choose a hotel over camping in the woods, but still. To be alone? That would be amazing.

Courtney said...

yes, alone. although, i never felt isolated...that i can remember...but as time goes on, i need MORE and more alone time for sure!

TheaBeth said...

Thank you. I needed this tonight. After my husband got home from work today I needed to hightail it out of the house. My days are swallowed in helping one after another, and it's good for me to remember that these days pass quickly.