Saturday, January 12, 2008

happy sad.

So, I come home the other day, from MOPS, all tied up in knots.
The topic this week was birth orders - something I thought I had an interest in but had never had the opportunity to read about. I knew this would be the subject before I even entered the building and I was so excited....finally!
After all was said and done my first born, too hard on my self, type A, perfectionist self left feeling like I had already messed all of my kids up so badly that there was no hope.
I was going to be too hard on Lydia and feed her perfectionism, I was going to 'squeeze' Samantha and Nora and make them feel left out, and I was going to spoil Sophie so bad that she'd never have any friends later in life.
I was frustrated and sad.

I had forgotten my own 'rule'/philosophy.
The ONLY advice I ever give to a brand new expecting mom. They do one thing and one thing only: feed guilt. Now, I am a reader, I love to read but those books are from the devil around here. (I have even been known to throw them away for fear of another mom getting her hands on it!)
I, instead, call another mom or an older mom if I have a question. That is the rule.

I didn't put this subject into that category because I didn't think of it as a parenting subject but um, yeah, it is. Thus, the 'tied up in knots' guilt.

One thing that was warned against was not to forget to get just as excited about 'firsts' with your seconds, thirds, and fourths as you did with your first. I know what they meant but I was 'being too hard on my self' and was, again, worried that I'd just mess this up too bad.

Then, something happened. Nora walked. For the first time. She had never stood on her own, she does not scale furniture and she wouldn't even let me help her get up to take her first steps.
She just got up and walked, in true Nora fashion.
I was crying when it happened, I cried on the way home (we were away) and I went in after she fell asleep and cried over her crib while I watched her infancy come to a close.

When I pulled myself together I remembered this subject of birth order that had occupied my thoughts this week and a huge burden was lifted. I had gotten just as excited, if not more, over Nora walking that I did over Lydia walking.
I was also more sad because Daddy is not here and I can't imagine how sad I'd feel if it were reversed.
Anyway, it was a very happy, very sad and very sobering moment.

Who cares about birth order, who cares? I love my kids, I pray over my kids and then I love my kids some more. That's all I can do.....(as I throw away the idea of ever reading the birth order book and hope you do too!)

So, here it is. They are not her first steps, just her second step (singular) and a few attempts at standing up but it was enough to slap me out of my funk...thanks Nora and thank You Lord:

Jake, I wish you could have been there so bad. It was awesome....that kid is so adorable and so just like you!


Tera said...

Happy and Sad moment for you 3 down 1 to go!! Congratulations Nora! And way to go Mom, you're doing great!

Amy said...

I love the other moms cheering and clapping in the background! :)