the good with the bad.

we've had some pretty great days lately.
I've been relishing in how blessed we are - all around.

(truthfully, scared that there might be another challenge around the corner - and then I remember that He came to give me life and give it more abundantly and I'm all good again.)

but, between the horribly ungrateful heart I saw in Lydia last night as I pull out a new toy only to see her whine about it and hearing her speak so ugly to her sisters in general lately, the poop on the walls next to the crayon on the walls put there by Nora and Sophie and the pretend tempter tantrums that Samantha is testing out - I've not had the greatest two days.

I hate that.

I hate it when I loose it.
I hate it when I loose it and the girls have no idea why.
I hate it when I can't take it back.

For some reason it's ok to me when I loose it and they understand the reason - they are at least learning something.
It's not my preferred way, I am actually embarrassed to even think for a second that it might be ok to loose it with them ever.
I don't think that.

But when 'it's lost and all they know is they made mommy 'mad', not that they were being ungrateful, bothersome or disobedient.....
it rips my heart in a million shreds.

I hate it for them.
I fear they will copy that - I know they will and that's exactly what brings the fear on.

so....just not having the brightest moment in mothering today.

that's all.

God.

Be my all today?

I've got nothin'.

I need your creativity, your vision for the girls and your patience with their hearts.

Forgive me, draw me close to you.

I love you - may that be all they see.

and then I see this picture and think to myself "how on earth could I have 'lost it' with those little faces???"